an open letter

over christmas break the daughter of one of my co-workers tragically died in a car accident.(you can read about it by clicking the link) i didn't know the daughter but i attended her funeral to show support for her mom. six weeks later, i wrote her mom this letter:

i noticed you gave your email address with no hesitation last
sunday...that was very brave of you considering you had no idea what
it was i wanted to send you :) i've actually been wanting to write you
for a couple of months now. i have a story that i'd like to share with
you that i think you'll really like and that i felt you really needed
to hear....

i was in houston when i got the text that your daughter shelby had
been in a car accident and had not survived. i saw the memorial was
going to be after i was back home and i immediately decided that i
wanted to go to show my support to you. we didn't talk a whole lot and
i didn't know a whole lot about you-i didn't know your family at all-
but i really like you and feel you are a real,genuine person and
wanted to be there for you in any way i could, even if it meant just
attending shelby's funeral service.

the day of the service i'm not sure what happened,i got cold feet or
something but i told schimere that i had decided not to go. my excuse
was that it would be weird considering i didn't really know you, and i
didn't want to intrude on such a personal night. schimere insisted
that i HAD to go. she said tons of people from the center will be
there and that i should just do it. so...i went.

i arrived and was instantly in awe at the vast amounts of people who
were there. not just people Shelby's age, but people of EVERY age,
celebrating the life of this one girl. it was like i could instantly
see the impact she and your family have had on all these people. no
one even had to say a word. just one look around the room and it was
very obvious. i took my seat with the rest of the women from our
center and prepared myself to hear about Shelby's life.

before i go any further, i think i need to tell you the history of me
and church. i grew up in a christian household. during my high school
years it wasn't weird to see me at church up to three times a week
doing various youth activities. i also went on all the field trips i
could. in fact, i didn't have very many friends at my actual high
school. about 95% of my good memories of those years relate to things
i did in church with my church friends. that was also a point in my
life where i was still doing what people told me to do.and i did it in
order to fit in and be accepted. luckily, because i was so easily
influenced i was hanging around good people. church and parents told
me how to act, what i should be reading, what i should say at certain
times,etc. though i attended church numerous times a week, it wasn't
really "me". my heart wasn't in it, i just did it to fit in. so once
i left for college i flipped a complete 180...

this wasn't an instantaneous flip, it was gradual, over time. but
there was a definite change. i never started doing drugs or robbing
stores but i did come to the realization that i didn't have to do what
other people told me to do and i didn't have to believe what other
people told me to believe. this revelation left me feeling free and
excited. i wasn't sure what to do with this newfound "freedom". so i
started hanging out with people who had discovered their freedom way
before i had and could teach me their ways of not giving a crap about
what other people said and just doing your own thing. there was one
problem with this,though. these people didn't have my best interests
at heart. i was constantly being taken advantage of and my life just
started going in a downward spiral.

it wasn't until about 3 years ago i realized i needed a change. i
wasn't sure what to do because it's not like i was a bad person, i
just periodically made bad decisions that had big and negative impacts
on my life and others around me. i didn't want to hurt anymore and i
didn't want to hurt anyone else either. slowly but surely i've been
working things out, getting my mind and life back on a path i am proud
of. but so far-none of this has included church.

the night of shelby's funeral the people who got up to talk about her
were constantly stressing on how easy it was for her to forgive
people. how people wouldn't even have to apologize because she had
already forgiven them. because of my bad choices in the past there are
a lot of people who i felt have hurt me and i am pretty good at
forgiving-but i never forget. i still hold on to those feelings of
being wronged. carrying around these feelings, i have realized does no
good for anyone. i only weighs me down and is the other person even
worried about how i feel about them? chances are, they don't even
think twice about it. shelby lived her life so carefree and full of
love for EVERYONE. i can't let life experiences and interactions with
other people get in the way of me doing that. i want to live like that
and i want people to see me living like that and be inspired too.

after the service i wanted to let you know so badly that i was there
and what i had learned but i was completely weirded out and confused
by how i was feeling. it was too much of a coincidence to me that not
only am i one of the most anti-going-to-church people i know, but i
attended a funeral that i initially was going to skip, and actually
felt and learned something while i was there-all because of this
beautiful 17 year old girl.

as you know, since then i've been going pretty regularly to new life.
one reason why i chose to start attending services specifically at new
life is because i don't feel like they are brainwashing me or trying
to force me to do something i don't want to do. i have a few different
beliefs than what the bible says, but i feel that i can freely voice
my opinion and not feel ridiculed or looked down on. i'm not saying
that i'm going to become a bible reading, care group attending,
jesusfreak (I mean that in the nicest was possible :) but i am
interested just to learn not just what i need to do to be a better
person, but HOW to do it, as well as the history of the bible and the
interesting stories it has to tell. i feel now is a good time because
it is on MY terms, it is strictly MY decision to go. i'm not doing it
to fit in to a crowd or because someone is telling me that i should. i
just want to learn. so thank you, carol, for raising such an amazing
daughter. i'm just sad i never got the chance to know her in real life
but from what i can tell she was a pretty special girl. :)