Forward

My friend sent me this forward the other day and I thought it was hilarious, so I thought I'd share...enjoy :) :


Random Thoughts.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f *** was going on when I
first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.(guilty)

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”
Classy, bro.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to
be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to
with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time…

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.